Strapless Angels

After pacer replacement surgery and with an Oncology final just a few days away, these strapless angels appeared at my house with breakfast and study materials. Ever tried to study or care, about... much of anything... when in pain, then you know the difficulty of it. God bless my beautiful family here at Utah Physician Assistant's Program and my beautiful sister Lizi, but I'll get to her later.

A little miracle

July 15, 2012
This seems appropriate to me to write this experience down now, so that I can remember it at lower times. To say this week has been difficult, doesn't cut it-- seemingly impossible is more fitting. Family and friends swooped in and really rescued me hourly. So in that context, the violent stomach flu that hit me this morning seemed set at finishing me off.
I'd slept well, intended to fast, and started to get myself and the girls ready for church, when the thing hit. My fear of stomach problems comes from the way they intensify the muscle problems and together they can quickly land me in a hospital as one hot mess. Today's problems were the same.
After one extra brutal round in the bathroom, I landed on my bed praying with both arms up over my eyes, "OK Heavenly Father, what should I do?". There seemed to be a small pocket of light, even with my eyes closed, that I could focus on. When a discouraging or inappropriate thought came, I tried harder to focus on that light patch and ask again what I should do. Then came my own little miracle.
It started with my left arm, I felt each muscle give dramatically and without any help from me-- Biceps, triceps, forearm muscles, hand-- and fall limp at my side. My 2 year muscle disease means that I could sooner change day to night than make of my own will any muscle in my body relax completely; I know this was Heavenly Father's doing and not my own.
I continued to pray and focus on the light patch in my mind while each muscle and limb gave out slowly till I was flat on my bed and could not move. Totally relaxed, when relaxation has evaded me for so long. From this point, with my arms above my head on the bed, I felt a tug in the middle of my abdomen and then upward movement (the thought of "up" wasn't encouraging but I put my trust in what Heavenly Father had done so far). On my upper left side, I started to hear a squirting sound every few seconds- I think it may have been my pancreas secreting digestive enzymes- and then a small pinch like the chyme had re-entered the stomach pushing pass the sphincter there. My gut was churning for a few more moments and then I was asleep and simply could not move.
Eden, who had seen me throwing up earlier, was concerned but quick thinking. She came in and asked if she should tell Erika who came up later, saw me in what felt like drifting in and out of conscious but was just a heavy sleep, and took care of my girls.
When I heard someone at my door, my weakness at pulling myself off the bed was a bit shocking and my head tremor was dramatic. Dad and one of his bishops had come to give me a blessing. In the blessing, they promised me strength and stamina to face the day and enjoy my children. Had it not been for my earlier experience, I wouldn't have believed them, but I leaned on those statements and even as the blessing closed I felt strength coming back to me little by little.
The time now, is almost 11:00am and I'm amazed to think all of this has happened in just a three hour time span but it did happen. I want to openly express my appreciation to Heavenly Father, for the way He showed me He is aware of me and will take over after I've done all I can do- whether through Himself like he did today or by those who He inspires to do His work- like He's done for the past few years. He is in the subtle and the dramatic- I want to remember that better and longer. I believe the power of the atonement and the Savior's power over the body healed me today and I know that this same power will heal me totally and permanently at the resurrection. Because of that, I can have a 'patience of hope in our Lord Jesus Christ' that will 'in the sight of God our Father' continually bless my life and the life of those I love.

I'm overwhelmed with gratitude towards YOU, my impeccable family.

We do something that is unheard of in most of the world. I have witnessed it countless times. When sore trials are upon you, instead of finding things to blame, you take the opportunity to use that challenge to grow closer to God. I have never realized how uncommon this simple yet important task is.

My sisters are such an example in this particular process. Look at the glorious shoes I've been set to fill! I admire you're undying faith, your choice to be grateful, for not taking the easy way out and your passion of never giving up. I hope that when the time comes for me, I will not fall short.

I know you are not perfect but I'm incredibly thankful for the deep moral integrity that pumps through your hearts everyday.

I love you, my sweet family.

Receiving Revelation-David Bednar

From these two ordinary experiences with light, we can learn much about the spirit of revelation. 1. We entered a dark room and turned on a light switch. Remember how in an instant a bright flood of illumination filled the room and caused the darkness to disappear. 2. The second experience took place as we watched night turn into morning. Do you recall the slow and almost imperceptible increase in light on the horizon? Sometimes the sun rises on a morning that is cloudy or foggy. Because of the overcast conditions, perceiving the light is more difficult, and identifying the precise moment when the sun rises over the horizon is not possible. But on such a morning we nonetheless have sufficient light to recognize a new day and to conduct our affairs. About the light switch: Many of us have experienced this pattern of revelation as we have been given answers to sincere prayers or been provided with needed direction or protection, according to God’s will and timing. However, this pattern of revelation tends to be more rare than common. About the sunrise: The gradual increase of light radiating from the rising sun is like receiving a message from God “line upon line, precept upon precept” (2 Nephi 28:30). Most frequently, revelation comes in small increments over time and is granted according to our desire, worthiness, and preparation. This pattern of revelation tends to be more common than rare Examples: I have talked with many individuals who question the strength of their personal testimony and underestimate their spiritual capacity because they do not receive frequent, miraculous, or strong impressions. If you have had similar thoughts or doubts, please know that you are quite normal. Just keep pressing forward obediently and with faith in the Savior. What to do: In many of the uncertainties and challenges we encounter in our lives, God requires us to do our best, to act and not be acted upon (see 2 Nephi 2:26), and to trust in Him. We may not see angels, hear heavenly voices, or receive overwhelming spiritual impressions. We frequently may press forward hoping and praying—but without absolute assurance—that we are acting in accordance with God’s will. But as we honor our covenants and keep the commandments, as we strive ever more consistently to do good and to become better, we can walk with the confidence that God will guide our steps. Blessings: regardless of the pattern whereby this blessing is received, the light it provides will illuminate and enlarge your soul, enlighten your understanding (see Alma 5:7; 32:28), and direct and protect you and your family.

A little glance back

Reading Elder Oaks talk today and remembering how a scripture from Alma saved my life once and I didn't tell anyone. So, the time has come. Back in the day, when my heart didn't beat so much, things were bad. I was having heart-attackish chest pain a lot and it wasn't going away. I knew deep down things were worse than the doctors thought and I was tracking my heart rate... 35...32...34...29... and still wide awake and hurting. Then Dr. Badger said it was on. The surgery was booked for the morning (as strange as that sounds) and I tried to sleep. 29 bpm when I'm awake-- what about when I'm asleep? I was worried it would stop in the night like the nurse had mentioned and I wouldn't even make it to the table. I wrote letters to my family in case this was the end and then I sat... I played an old BYU devotional I had DVR-ed and the man quoted Alma, "“a just God … granteth unto men according to their desire, whether it be unto death or unto life” (Alma 29:4). And I took it on, praying with all my might to Heavenly Father that my desire was life and the faith to be worthy to have this desire granted. I think this is why I'm alive. Millions of things could have gone wrong and a few did but Heavenly Father was backing me up and I was going to live. It hasn't been until tonight that I have wondered if I could still have the faith and the desire for life in a similar situation. So with this, I'm working on developing my desires- an eternal marriage, a likeness to the Savior, and a close relationship with Heavenly Father. Any suggestions?

No therapy like hard work

The Little H on the P:

Kitchen Before Kitchen After

The Green-Eyed Jelly Monster

• Kimi and I recently discussed at length the sin of jealousy- the next day I watched a beautiful young, thin woman in a spectacular jade ballgown gobbled by the jelly monster. Her radiance shifted to green-eyed-envy when she observed a similarly spectacularly dressed young woman walk into the room. The change was so unattractive and the imagination of how badly a jealous expression must look on me led to my gospel study of the topic—so I apologize for the length.
• Screwtape explains the tactics of devils:
• “We (Satan’s Minions) now teach men to like women whose bodies are scarcely distinguishable from those of boys. Since this is a kind of beauty even more transitory than most, we thus aggravate the female’s chronic horror of growing old (with many excellent results) and render her less willing and less able to bear children. And this is not all. We have engineered a great increase in the license which society allows to the representation of the apparent nude (not the real nude) in art, and its exhibition on the stage or the bathing beach. It is all a fake, of course; the figures in the popular art are falsely drawn; the real women in bathing suits or tights are actually pinched in and propped up to make them appear firmer and more slender and more boyish than nature allows a full-grown woman to be […] As a result we are more and more directing the desires of men to something which does not exist—making the role of the eye in sexuality more and more important and at the same time making its demands more and more impossible. What follows you can easily forecast!”
• Screwtape goes on to explain that each man desires two women- a terrestrial one and an infernal venus. The terrestrial woman mixed with charity, obedience to marriage, naturalness and golden reverence lead the man to God. The infernal venus, which he is trained to desire as it is hardly in existence, will lead him to a very lasting and exquisite kind of unhappiness.
• -Screwtape Letters, p.59-60; C.S. Lewis
• So I figure, I have two choices—will I work and think myself into the terrestrial woman that leads men to God or will I work and try to make myself into an infernal venus-who in actuality can never exist because of the dictates of nature—and also who, if I try to become, will lead men away from lasting love, happiness, marriage, and God.
• Since I have been at least partially manipulated by the world, I confess “the idea” of being an infernal venus has some draw to it, but with a little faith, I can shift my focus and try to “strip myself of envy”.
• Proverbs 14:30
• “A sound heart is the life of the flesh: but envy the rottenness of the bones.”
• -I have enough rotting on my body right now, I think I’d like to keep my bones. When I am trying to be the infernal Venus, I will always be jealous, critical, cruel, and resentful. When I am trying to be a woman that brings herself and her man to God, I am charitable, kind, and grateful. And nothing beats this promise.
• “And again, verily I say unto you that it is your privilege, and a promise I give unto you […]that inasmuch as you strip yourselves from jealousies and fears, and humble yourselves before me, for ye are not sufficiently humble, the veil shall be rent and you shall see me and know that I am—not with the carnal neither natural mind, but with the spiritual.” D&C 67:10
• So here goes my prayer to fight jealousy and fear with charity and gratitude so that I can see and know God. I think it might make me more attractive to have a little more of His image in my face and a little less of the green-eyed-jelly-monster’s. Who’s with me?