Strapless Angels

After pacer replacement surgery and with an Oncology final just a few days away, these strapless angels appeared at my house with breakfast and study materials. Ever tried to study or care, about... much of anything... when in pain, then you know the difficulty of it. God bless my beautiful family here at Utah Physician Assistant's Program and my beautiful sister Lizi, but I'll get to her later.

A little miracle

July 15, 2012
This seems appropriate to me to write this experience down now, so that I can remember it at lower times. To say this week has been difficult, doesn't cut it-- seemingly impossible is more fitting. Family and friends swooped in and really rescued me hourly. So in that context, the violent stomach flu that hit me this morning seemed set at finishing me off.
I'd slept well, intended to fast, and started to get myself and the girls ready for church, when the thing hit. My fear of stomach problems comes from the way they intensify the muscle problems and together they can quickly land me in a hospital as one hot mess. Today's problems were the same.
After one extra brutal round in the bathroom, I landed on my bed praying with both arms up over my eyes, "OK Heavenly Father, what should I do?". There seemed to be a small pocket of light, even with my eyes closed, that I could focus on. When a discouraging or inappropriate thought came, I tried harder to focus on that light patch and ask again what I should do. Then came my own little miracle.
It started with my left arm, I felt each muscle give dramatically and without any help from me-- Biceps, triceps, forearm muscles, hand-- and fall limp at my side. My 2 year muscle disease means that I could sooner change day to night than make of my own will any muscle in my body relax completely; I know this was Heavenly Father's doing and not my own.
I continued to pray and focus on the light patch in my mind while each muscle and limb gave out slowly till I was flat on my bed and could not move. Totally relaxed, when relaxation has evaded me for so long. From this point, with my arms above my head on the bed, I felt a tug in the middle of my abdomen and then upward movement (the thought of "up" wasn't encouraging but I put my trust in what Heavenly Father had done so far). On my upper left side, I started to hear a squirting sound every few seconds- I think it may have been my pancreas secreting digestive enzymes- and then a small pinch like the chyme had re-entered the stomach pushing pass the sphincter there. My gut was churning for a few more moments and then I was asleep and simply could not move.
Eden, who had seen me throwing up earlier, was concerned but quick thinking. She came in and asked if she should tell Erika who came up later, saw me in what felt like drifting in and out of conscious but was just a heavy sleep, and took care of my girls.
When I heard someone at my door, my weakness at pulling myself off the bed was a bit shocking and my head tremor was dramatic. Dad and one of his bishops had come to give me a blessing. In the blessing, they promised me strength and stamina to face the day and enjoy my children. Had it not been for my earlier experience, I wouldn't have believed them, but I leaned on those statements and even as the blessing closed I felt strength coming back to me little by little.
The time now, is almost 11:00am and I'm amazed to think all of this has happened in just a three hour time span but it did happen. I want to openly express my appreciation to Heavenly Father, for the way He showed me He is aware of me and will take over after I've done all I can do- whether through Himself like he did today or by those who He inspires to do His work- like He's done for the past few years. He is in the subtle and the dramatic- I want to remember that better and longer. I believe the power of the atonement and the Savior's power over the body healed me today and I know that this same power will heal me totally and permanently at the resurrection. Because of that, I can have a 'patience of hope in our Lord Jesus Christ' that will 'in the sight of God our Father' continually bless my life and the life of those I love.

I'm overwhelmed with gratitude towards YOU, my impeccable family.

We do something that is unheard of in most of the world. I have witnessed it countless times. When sore trials are upon you, instead of finding things to blame, you take the opportunity to use that challenge to grow closer to God. I have never realized how uncommon this simple yet important task is.

My sisters are such an example in this particular process. Look at the glorious shoes I've been set to fill! I admire you're undying faith, your choice to be grateful, for not taking the easy way out and your passion of never giving up. I hope that when the time comes for me, I will not fall short.

I know you are not perfect but I'm incredibly thankful for the deep moral integrity that pumps through your hearts everyday.

I love you, my sweet family.

Receiving Revelation-David Bednar

From these two ordinary experiences with light, we can learn much about the spirit of revelation. 1. We entered a dark room and turned on a light switch. Remember how in an instant a bright flood of illumination filled the room and caused the darkness to disappear. 2. The second experience took place as we watched night turn into morning. Do you recall the slow and almost imperceptible increase in light on the horizon? Sometimes the sun rises on a morning that is cloudy or foggy. Because of the overcast conditions, perceiving the light is more difficult, and identifying the precise moment when the sun rises over the horizon is not possible. But on such a morning we nonetheless have sufficient light to recognize a new day and to conduct our affairs. About the light switch: Many of us have experienced this pattern of revelation as we have been given answers to sincere prayers or been provided with needed direction or protection, according to God’s will and timing. However, this pattern of revelation tends to be more rare than common. About the sunrise: The gradual increase of light radiating from the rising sun is like receiving a message from God “line upon line, precept upon precept” (2 Nephi 28:30). Most frequently, revelation comes in small increments over time and is granted according to our desire, worthiness, and preparation. This pattern of revelation tends to be more common than rare Examples: I have talked with many individuals who question the strength of their personal testimony and underestimate their spiritual capacity because they do not receive frequent, miraculous, or strong impressions. If you have had similar thoughts or doubts, please know that you are quite normal. Just keep pressing forward obediently and with faith in the Savior. What to do: In many of the uncertainties and challenges we encounter in our lives, God requires us to do our best, to act and not be acted upon (see 2 Nephi 2:26), and to trust in Him. We may not see angels, hear heavenly voices, or receive overwhelming spiritual impressions. We frequently may press forward hoping and praying—but without absolute assurance—that we are acting in accordance with God’s will. But as we honor our covenants and keep the commandments, as we strive ever more consistently to do good and to become better, we can walk with the confidence that God will guide our steps. Blessings: regardless of the pattern whereby this blessing is received, the light it provides will illuminate and enlarge your soul, enlighten your understanding (see Alma 5:7; 32:28), and direct and protect you and your family.

A little glance back

Reading Elder Oaks talk today and remembering how a scripture from Alma saved my life once and I didn't tell anyone. So, the time has come. Back in the day, when my heart didn't beat so much, things were bad. I was having heart-attackish chest pain a lot and it wasn't going away. I knew deep down things were worse than the doctors thought and I was tracking my heart rate... 35...32...34...29... and still wide awake and hurting. Then Dr. Badger said it was on. The surgery was booked for the morning (as strange as that sounds) and I tried to sleep. 29 bpm when I'm awake-- what about when I'm asleep? I was worried it would stop in the night like the nurse had mentioned and I wouldn't even make it to the table. I wrote letters to my family in case this was the end and then I sat... I played an old BYU devotional I had DVR-ed and the man quoted Alma, "“a just God … granteth unto men according to their desire, whether it be unto death or unto life” (Alma 29:4). And I took it on, praying with all my might to Heavenly Father that my desire was life and the faith to be worthy to have this desire granted. I think this is why I'm alive. Millions of things could have gone wrong and a few did but Heavenly Father was backing me up and I was going to live. It hasn't been until tonight that I have wondered if I could still have the faith and the desire for life in a similar situation. So with this, I'm working on developing my desires- an eternal marriage, a likeness to the Savior, and a close relationship with Heavenly Father. Any suggestions?

No therapy like hard work

The Little H on the P:

Kitchen Before Kitchen After

The Green-Eyed Jelly Monster

• Kimi and I recently discussed at length the sin of jealousy- the next day I watched a beautiful young, thin woman in a spectacular jade ballgown gobbled by the jelly monster. Her radiance shifted to green-eyed-envy when she observed a similarly spectacularly dressed young woman walk into the room. The change was so unattractive and the imagination of how badly a jealous expression must look on me led to my gospel study of the topic—so I apologize for the length.
• Screwtape explains the tactics of devils:
• “We (Satan’s Minions) now teach men to like women whose bodies are scarcely distinguishable from those of boys. Since this is a kind of beauty even more transitory than most, we thus aggravate the female’s chronic horror of growing old (with many excellent results) and render her less willing and less able to bear children. And this is not all. We have engineered a great increase in the license which society allows to the representation of the apparent nude (not the real nude) in art, and its exhibition on the stage or the bathing beach. It is all a fake, of course; the figures in the popular art are falsely drawn; the real women in bathing suits or tights are actually pinched in and propped up to make them appear firmer and more slender and more boyish than nature allows a full-grown woman to be […] As a result we are more and more directing the desires of men to something which does not exist—making the role of the eye in sexuality more and more important and at the same time making its demands more and more impossible. What follows you can easily forecast!”
• Screwtape goes on to explain that each man desires two women- a terrestrial one and an infernal venus. The terrestrial woman mixed with charity, obedience to marriage, naturalness and golden reverence lead the man to God. The infernal venus, which he is trained to desire as it is hardly in existence, will lead him to a very lasting and exquisite kind of unhappiness.
• -Screwtape Letters, p.59-60; C.S. Lewis
• So I figure, I have two choices—will I work and think myself into the terrestrial woman that leads men to God or will I work and try to make myself into an infernal venus-who in actuality can never exist because of the dictates of nature—and also who, if I try to become, will lead men away from lasting love, happiness, marriage, and God.
• Since I have been at least partially manipulated by the world, I confess “the idea” of being an infernal venus has some draw to it, but with a little faith, I can shift my focus and try to “strip myself of envy”.
• Proverbs 14:30
• “A sound heart is the life of the flesh: but envy the rottenness of the bones.”
• -I have enough rotting on my body right now, I think I’d like to keep my bones. When I am trying to be the infernal Venus, I will always be jealous, critical, cruel, and resentful. When I am trying to be a woman that brings herself and her man to God, I am charitable, kind, and grateful. And nothing beats this promise.
• “And again, verily I say unto you that it is your privilege, and a promise I give unto you […]that inasmuch as you strip yourselves from jealousies and fears, and humble yourselves before me, for ye are not sufficiently humble, the veil shall be rent and you shall see me and know that I am—not with the carnal neither natural mind, but with the spiritual.” D&C 67:10
• So here goes my prayer to fight jealousy and fear with charity and gratitude so that I can see and know God. I think it might make me more attractive to have a little more of His image in my face and a little less of the green-eyed-jelly-monster’s. Who’s with me?

Hands

Felt discouraged today. This weekend, my hands and forearms have been so painfully locked up, I feel drained of every energy. Couldn't get my girls ready for church or well... just couldn't do a lot. Typing is difficult so I will just say, I found comfort in this beautiful talk by President Monson.

http://classic.lds.org/ldsorg/v/index.jsp?hideNav=1&locale=0&sourceId=5b762150a447b010VgnVCM1000004d82620a____&vgnextoid=2354fccf2b7db010VgnVCM1000004d82620aRCRD

I will try to remember that I only have one thing that I have to do with my hands:

I said to the man who stood at the gate of the year: “Give me a light that I may tread safely into the unknown.” And he replied: “Go out into the darkness and put your hand into the hand of God. That shall be to you better than light and safer than a known way.” (M. Louise Haskins, in The Oxford Dictionary of Quotations, 2d ed., London: Oxford Univ. Press, 1953, p. 239.)

As sisters in Zion, we'll all work together; The blessings of God on our labors we'll seek. We'll build up his kingdom with earnest endeavor; We'll comfort the weary and strengthen the weak.

The errand of angels is given to women; And this is a gift that, as sisters, we claim; To do whatsoever is gentle and human, To cheer and to bless in humanity's name.

How vast is our purpose, how broad is our mission, If we but fulfill it in spirit and deed. Oh, naught but the Spirit's divinest tuition Can give us the wisdom to truly succeed. --Emily H. Woodmansee.

Scritptures

I work with Primary in church. The theme for the year is "I know the scriptures are true." As part of the theme we have challenged al our children to read from the scriptures every day. I have also decided to rededicate myself. Buddy and Mary wake up every morning and do scripture time (they have been for a while), but now Anna brings me the scriptures and reminds me that she has to do it everyday. As I read over Loo's insights from Christmas it reminds me that God's words are available to help us in a very individual way, but they come more readily when we are dedicated to reading them.

In your face

• Wish I could say "in your face" in some really cool sounding way, but at the same time I didn't really mean it like that.
• Tonight, I looked in the mirror, I thought about all the things I usually notice-- my dark under eye circles, newly forming wrinkles, and blotchy acne-- and then I thought about something unusual for me. This scripture:
• “Can ye look up to God … with a pure heart and clean hands … , having the image of God engraven upon your countenances?” (Alma 5:19).
• I feel like a "silly woman" and like eating another slice of my familiar tasting humble pie. Do you think the image of God upon our countenances would be beautiful? Like a magazine cover?
• Or maybe like something else... and then I thought of women I know who have the image of God in their countenances, and they are so beautiful, warm, and good to be around. So my Christmas question for myself is- what if I sought to think and do those things that would change my countenance, in the way I'd really most like it changed? How would I be different?

Eat, Pray, Love vs. Reality

• Watched the movie Eat, Pray, Love recently. Ms. Roberts had some really beautiful moments and a few... hmm? ones. Since then, I've been thinking. What chord was off-tune? My recent gospel study brought me back to reality.
• Some people take themselves so seriously that they think they cannot feel complete until they find themselves. Some abandon family, occupation, and education in this quest to discover who they are.
• George Bernard Shaw said: “Life isn’t about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself.” Don’t worry about searching for who you are; focus your energies on creating the kind of person you want to be! You will discover that as you pursue that journey you will not only find yourself, but chances are you will be pleasantly surprised and proud of the person you find along the way.
• Do not procrastinate a minute longer. Every moment is precious. Determine now that you will make of your lives something remarkable!-- Elder Joseph F. Wirthlin
• Isn't this statement far more powerful than the idea that you might only really be able to "find" yourself by having millions and going to india to meditate all day? Really? Can only the wealthy do all that is required to "find" oneself? What about those of us who by location, finances, or physical limitations are "stuck". Are we empty soulless sacks.
• NO! REALITY. Each of us has the power to create ourselves and by doing so we can look back with surprise and pride at the person (whole person-character, talents, education, personality, and relationships) we've created. So if who we are is our character, and if character is built, than "ourselves" never need be found especially if they have never been built.

Discipline

Been thinking a lot about discipline, the right way to do it, and what that way is. Self-discipline can be easily set next to the word disciple and the idea of following the same moral code as the savior, thus becoming disciplined... but disciplining children? Studying... Elder Christofferson... said our teaching (discipline) should draw on our own faith and focus first on instilling faith in God that we need to declare the essential need to keep the commandments, reverence and recognize God and His omniscence, and to persuade children that service and sacrifice are superior to one's own comfort and possessions. He also points out that the adversary and his followers are multimedia advocates of sin and selfishness. That means I can't be ho-hummish about it. Thinking of words that might tie in with those ideas: Right Wrong Following Jesus' example Kind Unkind tempted Give instead of take Do you understand? Did you say your prayers? This house is our temple. Songs to memorize: Kindness begins with me, To think about Jesus, Jesus said love everyone, Go the second Mile 167, Sing your way home, Saturday 196, A happy helper, quickly I'll obey, When we're helping we're happing, All things brigh and beautiful 231, Give said the little stream. Hmm.... not ready to apply yet. Any ideas?

Walking in The Rain

It's been raining a lot lately, hasn't it? Outside, on our souls and on our spirits. One thing we keep forgetting though is that we need rain, it gives us what we need to grow. I love it when it's green... but it didn't get green on accident. Something we could ask ourselves to get us to our green: "Is anything too hard for the Lord?" Gen 18:14 "Restore, my dear Savior, The light of thy face, Thy soul cheering comfort impart; and let the sweet longing For thy holy place Bring hope to my desolate heart. He looks! and ten thousands Of angels rejoice, And myraids wait for his ward; He speaks! and eternity, Filled with his voice, Reechoes the praise of the Lord." ~Redeemer of Israel v 5&6 If you have any doubt at who I'm going to go to when the rain is pouring on me read D&C 19:16- So sisters, "Is anything too hard for the Lord?" Before going to your friends, kneel. He's waiting.

A Snippet of Optimism

God always answers

Been thinking of an experience I just had that reminded me of this principle. Brooklyn was on her 4th day of a high fever with no other symptoms. She had stopped eating and drinking and acted in pain when she went to the bathroom. At 7o'clock we went to an insta-care where she was examined. They needed a urine sample so they attached to her an uncomfortable plastic bag. For 2 hours she screamed while we waited for her to pee. We tried everything to soothe her, toys, books, walking, going outside... no use. The office was about to close for the night and she still hadn't gone. Exhausted I prayed, "please let her little body know to go the bathroom, she has been uncomfortable for so long. This will help us know how to help her." The staff came in, they were closed. They sent us home with collection supplies and told us to come back tomorrow. She was uncomfortable all night. Heavenly Father said no. The next day we returned to the office with her sample which came back negative for infection. The doctor had been thinking of her and told us that while its rare for children under two, she wanted to run a strept test and re-examine her ears. Had my prayer been answered in my way it would not have helped her and she would have been uncomfortable for longer since the doctor would have missed the strept she now has and her newly developed double ear infection. We received new instructions and medication, and she quickly became more comfortable. Like any good parent, when Heavenly Father says no, He has good reason and we can trust it. Often we confuse the answer "no" or "not right now" with a prayer unanswered. This is false logic. God even said no to His perfect son when Jesus asked, "Father, if thou be willing, remove this cup from me (Luke 22:42)." When we expect to be given all we ask for when we ask for it, maybe God would reply, "art thou greater than He?(D&C122:8)" No is as much of an answer to prayer as yes is-- instead no takes work and patience and trust. God always answers.

Fear

I have been thinking a lot about fear, partly because of Linda's comments about hope. I catch myself saying, "I'm just afraid..." Or, "I am worried that..." I worry about my children loving the Lord. I worry that bad things are happing around me and I don't want them to happen to me and my children. Then I start to worry about pain. I hate pain. Here are some quotes about fear, and then I was going to try and add some of a talk that I found comfort in, but it is perfectly written the way it is. Read it if you want. "Fear not little children, for you are mine, and I have overcome the world." (D&C 50:41) "fear not; only believe. Believe in God, the father of us all... Believe in the Lord Jesus Christ, the son of God." (President Hinkley) "Just as there have been calamities in the past, we expect more in the future. What do we do? Someone has said it was not raining when Noah built the ark. But he built it, and the rains came." (Elder Eyering)-- This reminds me that all I can do about fear is believe in God and do my best to DO what he wants me to DO. We must live in Faith and not by fear. The Lord has said, “If ye are prepared ye shall not fear” (D&C 38:30). "There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear." http://www.lds.org/ldsorg/v/index.jsp?hideNav=1&locale=0&sourceId=26bb76e6ffe0c010VgnVCM1000004d82620a____&vgnextoid=2354fccf2b7db010VgnVCM1000004d82620aRCRD

Deep water

Thinking a lot today about Elder Hallstrom's conference talk. After Joseph's thought, "Deep water is what I am wont to swim in..." Elder Hallstrom says, "Joseph's confidence in overcoming constant opposition was based on his ability to continually turn to the Lord. (The family therapy term for this is resiliency). If you feel you have been wronged--by anyone (a family member, a friend, another member of the Church, a Church leader, a business associate) or by anything (the death of a loved one, health problems, a financial reversal, abuse, addictions)-- deal with the matter directly and with all the strength you have. Hold on thy way; giving up is not an option. And, without delay, turn to the Lord". What do you think are examples of dealing with a matter directly, what constititutes giving up, and why is it not an option? What are some examples of delay?

Happy Birthday!!

Happy Birthday Lizi! 20, 20, sure is great, 20, 20, there's no hate!

Missing a Friend

I have been missing Elder Wirthlin. I have missed him every conference since he passed. It’s not that I don’t believe our new apostles are inspired, I do, I just sometimes miss apostles that have come to feel like old friends. I knew his style. I felt his love. I connected to all his talks. ---- I remember President Hinkley talking about something like that in a talk near the end of his life. He talked about how each of us has such a short time on this earth. He read from his journal (when he was a young bishop) that soon people wouldn’t remember the greats like… and then listed people I didn’t know. Now when I think of that story I am heart broken that others won’t know Elder Wirthlin, Elder Maxwell, Elder Haight, etc. Elder Wirthlin’s sense of humor was the best. He would say a joke in the same mono-tone that he said everything else. It almost took people off guard. I have very vivid memories of many of his jokes, and writing them doesn’t do them justice. I want to write this because it was my favorite of his talks. It was the last one given. “Come What May and Love it” it starts: ~When I was young I loved playing sports, and I have many fond memories of those days. But not all of them are pleasant. I remember one day after my football team lost a tough game, I came home feeling discouraged. My mother was there. She listened to my sad story. She taught her children to trust in themselves and each other, not blame others for their misfortunes, and give their best effort in everything they attempted. When we fell down, she expected us to pick ourselves up and get going again. So the advice my mother gave to me then wasn’t altogether unexpected. It has stayed with me all my life. “Joseph,” she said, “come what may, and love it.” I have often reflected on that counsel. I think she may have meant that every life has peaks and shadows and times when it seems that the birds don’t sing and bells don’t ring. Yet in spite of discouragement and adversity, those who are happiest seem to have a way of learning from difficult times, becoming stronger, wiser, and happier as a result.~ Elder Wirthlin then goes on to give principles in his life that have helped him through trying times. The first was “Learn to Laugh.” He tells a story about a mix up between 2 of his daughters one going on a blind date and the other getting picked up for babysitting. He got such a good laugh about it that sometimes when he was tempted to groan he would think of it and laugh instead. I know when I was in the hospital, and before, -- when I was in pain I always felt better to laugh. This is part of why Linda coming to DC was such a blessing. We laughed so hard that nothing could seem scary (and yes it helped that she had done it before). His next principle is “Seek for the Eternal.” Neal A Maxwell once talked on eduring trials. He said something like at times we might wonder, “Why me?” and he said the answer we need to give ourselves is “Why not?” Elder Wirthlin said he drew strength from noble examples of people in the scriptures, and then continued ~Learning to endure times of disappointment, suffering, and sorrow is part of our on-the-job training. These experiences, while often difficult to bear at the time, are precisely the kinds of experiences that stretch our understanding, build our character, and increase our compassion for others. Because Jesus Christ suffered greatly, He understands our suffering. He understands our grief. We experience hard things so that we too may have increased compassion and understanding for others. Remember the sublime words of the Savior to the Prophet Joseph Smith when he suffered with his companions in the smothering darkness of Liberty Jail: “My son, peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment; “And then, if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high; thou shalt triumph over all thy foes.” With that eternal perspective, Joseph took comfort from these words, and so can we. Sometimes the very moments that seem to overcome us with suffering are those that will ultimately suffer us to overcome.~ His next principle is “The Principle of Compensation” ~The third thing we can do is understand the principle of compensation. The Lord compensates the faithful for every loss. That which is taken away from those who love the Lord will be added unto them in His own way. While it may not come at the time we desire, the faithful will know that every tear today will eventually be returned a hundredfold with tears of rejoicing and gratitude.~ I have often overlooked this idea, but thinking about it brings such comfort. Next is “Trust in the Father and the Son” In Seminary we had to memorize the scripture “Trust in the Lord with all thine heart, and lean not unto thine own understanding, in all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy path.” (Proverbs 3:5-6) There is something about pure trust in God. Faith is the first principle of the gospel for a reason. Without it nothing else is valid. – I gave a Sharing time on Faith and the 1st article of faith a couple of Sundays ago. We talked about how Faith has to come first. To illustrate I put my sock on over my shoe. The sock coming second completely ruins the purpose of the sock. It is the same with Faith. It must come first for the other principles to apply. ~“God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son.”2 The Lord Jesus Christ is our partner, helper, and advocate. He wants us to be happy. He wants us to be successful. If we do our part, He will step in. He who descended below all things will come to our aid. He will comfort and uphold us. He will strengthen us in our weakness and fortify us in our distress. He will make weak things become strong.~ Good Bye Elder Wirthlin. I will remember you and try to be better because of you. You brought me closer to my savior. I miss you..